If you asked me about feeding when I was pregnant, I would have told you that I want to breastfeed but I’m not going to drive myself crazy if it doesn’t work. So sensible, right??
Fast forward to 8 weeks in and Charlie is officially an exclusively formula fed baby… but I did drive myself a little crazy getting to this point.
Here’s the thing - I was really convinced that I was going to be able to breastfeed. If not exclusively or for a long time, at least at the beginning and in some sort of combination with formula.
I followed all of the instagram accounts, signed up for courses, hired a lactation consultant (with a video call before birth and in person visit after!), got a breast pump through insurance, researched and purchased a wearable breast pump too… I got nipple butter, nipple pads, silverettes… I got a breast feeding pillow (turns out we liked the boppy better!), pump spray, nursing and pumping bras, nursing covers, supplements…
I even tried to picture it as a part of our lives, manifest it happening. And when he latched on me after he was born, I thought it was the coolest thing. I made this human and now I’m feeding him. My body is amazing!
But I had trouble feeding him the day after he was born, and everything started to shift.
(my last bottle of breastmilk)
To anyone else struggling…
While this is a sensitive topic for me (hence why the rest of this post is for paid subscribers), I want to talk about it because I feel like there’s often a missing piece in this conversation.
I was living somewhere in between “breast is best” and “formula feeding is great!”. I knew rationally that formula was a wonderful thing. It literally saved my baby’s life! It’s amazing that we have it as an option!
And yet I couldn’t just let breastfeeding go. Even as I said that it wasn’t worth my mental health, there was still this primal part of me that really wanted to give him what I could. I think having a winter baby made me care more about passing my antibodies to him… but honestly even without the flu and RSV going around, I think I still might have had this reaction.
And it was really hard to explain why it was so emotional for me. I felt like my body inherently knew how to provide for him when I was pregnant and now it couldn’t. And that made me sad!
Not only that, but a few people on the internet got into my vulnerable postpartum brain. One comment on this video asked what I even do if Adam does so much and I hated that I couldn’t clap back and say “I breastfeed!”. Another comment on this video said “an overweight mother pushing synthetic feed onto her child. THIS is america, what a shame.” I was about a month postpartum when we shot that. WOOF.
Luckily, now that I’m on the other side, I forgive my body and I’m proud of myself for doing what was best for us.
But I just wanted to hold some space for anyone who might be dealing with those weird in between feelings. I see you and I know how hard it can be. Try to be gentle with yourself ❤️
Now let’s dive into the nitty gritty of this feeding journey…
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